Capture Child's Heart

WHAT’S A PARENT TO DO?
How To Capture Your Child’s Heart, Part 1

The young mother was ready to tear her hair out! Despite the fact that she had repeatedly responded to her 4-year-old’s disobedience with prompt, patient discipline, the child continued to act out, seemingly deaf to her reproofs and corrections. Feeling her patience rapidly disappearing like water down a drain, she hurriedly uttered another exasperated prayer, as she ministered the rod of correction to her child again.

Mom, does this situation sound familiar? If so, you are not alone – this scene is played out in countless Christian homes, by parents whose deep desire is to raise children who are totally sold-out to God. Their greatest joy would be to see their children eagerly receive the Word and live every minute of their lives pleasing Him and fulfilling His plan and purpose for their lives. 3 John 4 confirms, “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.”

But what’s a parent to do when it appears that all wisdom, concerning biblical discipline, is to no avail? What do you do when you feel you’ve tried everything and nothing seems to work? It is at this point that many parents simply “check out” and adopt an attitude of “what-will-be, will-be.” However, for those who are uncompromisingly determined to see their child grow in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, it is precisely at this point of impasse that they must press in to the heart of the issue.

What do I mean by this? Let me illustrate: Raising a child is like building a house – and the integrity of any house rests in its foundation. The foundation of that house must be sitting on The Rock, or the house will eventually be destroyed. As parents, we’ve got to dig deeply and make sure that the motivation for disciplining our child is springing from firm, immovable bedrock and not from shifting sand. We’ve got to get to the heart of why we do the things we do, because “out of the heart flow the issues of life” (Proverbs 4:23).

It takes some digging to get to the heart of an issue – and digging is work. It requires time, effort, and energy. Most people, in general, do not dig. It’s much easier to focus on surface issues. Because we live in a fast-paced “micro-wave” society, we get used to quick fixes. We become accustomed to treating symptoms instead of finding the cause, to reaping harvests without sowing seeds (just a quick trip to your local Jewel!), and to administering quick “band-aid” discipline to our children so that we can get to our next appointment on time.

But, in God’s eyes, everything is a heart issue. And heart issues take time. How are we using the valuable time we spend with our children or grandchildren? Are we consciously expending the effort and energy to dig? To find The Rock? And then to dig some more, to find the honey in the rock? (The honey will yield God’s secrets and revelations for raising children who love, trust, and serve Jesus with all their hearts.) Or are we, even as believers, still spending most of our precious time on surface issues instead of heart issues?

If we look at how Jesus spent His time, we discover that, whomever He was dealing with, He went to the heart of the matter as quickly as possible. He did not linger at the surface for long. Why did Jesus ignore surface issues and pointedly focus on heart issues? Was it because He’s God, and that’s God’s job? No!! Jesus took this approach because He knew that there were dangers and traps in attempting to correct, discipline, or instruct people without first discerning their hearts.

In contrast to Jesus, we see the religious Pharisees. They were appeased and content as long as surface appearances looked good. The heart of a person was not their concern. As long as people followed God’s laws at the surface level, the Pharisees were satisfied – and they believed that God was satisfied too. But Jesus repeatedly and emphatically condemned their erroneous emphasis on outer, surface righteousness:

Woe to you experts in the law, because you have taken away the key to knowledge. You yourselves have not entered, and you have hindered those who were entering.
Luke 11:52

These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. They worship me in vain; their teachings are but rules taught by men.
Matthew 15:8-9

You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of men, but God knows your hearts. What is highly valued among men is detestable in God's sight.
Luke 16:15

How can we apply these scriptures to parenting? What principle was Jesus revealing, that we parents must remember? Namely this: If you can get your child to outwardly obey, yet inwardly he is rebelling, he is living life like a Pharisee!

To be satisfied with only outward compliance is to train a child to be religious, able to fulfill the letter of the law but not the spirit of the law. “He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant – not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life” (2 Corinthians 3:5-6). A child in this state is doubly deceived. Why? He’s been taught all the “proper” doctrine, has dutifully memorized all the “appropriate” Scriptures, and routinely practices all the “expected” Christian disciplines – he appears to be in right standing with God, even in his own eyes…But has there been an eternal, spiritual change in his heart???

Romans 2:28-29 tells us, “For he is not a real Jew [believer] who is only one outwardly and publicly; nor is true circumcision something external and physical. But he is a true Jew [believer] who is one inwardly, and true circumcision is that of the heart, in the Spirit, and not in the letter…”

In his book, Shepherding a Child’s Heart, Tedd Tripp notes, “A change in behavior that does not stem from a change in heart is not commendable; it is condemnable.” The Scriptures show us, again and again, that serving God (and raising children who will truly serve God) is a heart issue.

What will be the result if we encourage outward “holiness” without first making sure there is genuine heart holiness? The result will eventually be outward rebellion. God’s Word illustrates why this is true –

The law is basically a list of “Do’s and Don’ts” that focus on outer restraint. Why do we give the law to our children? For the same reason that God gave it to His children – to protect them until inner restraint is developed. But the law, in and of itself, is powerless. Romans 8:3 confirms, “…the law was powerless in that it was weakened by the sinful nature.” Therefore, if we expect our children to consistently obey the law, without their hearts being filled with the power of God’s Spirit, they are doomed to fail! The result of this failure is guilt, shame, fear, discouragement, resentment, anger, and self-hatred. They hear us saying that we expect them to obey, but they can’t do it in their own strength, and they know it. Eventually, we will see outward rebellion. Rebellion is just their way of communicating to us that they can’t do it and they refuse to keep trying.

At this point, what do many parents do? We tell them, “Try harder – work harder at being good!” We may even force them to obey or produce good works by using bribes, rewards, ultimatums, punishment, or rejection. However, all such methods bring only short-term obedience and long-term harm. “All who rely on observing the law are under a curse” (Galatians 3:10). Instead, we must recognize the need to move beyond the surface level, making sure that their hearts really and truly belong to Jesus, and that they are relying on His power and grace inside of them to get the job done!

If our children have genuinely given their hearts and lives to Jesus, their love for Him will bring inner restraint. They will be able to fulfill the law without “trying” – because the power of the Holy Spirit is working in their hearts!

Before this faith came, we were held prisoners by the law, locked up until faith should be revealed. So the law was put in charge to lead us to Christ that we might be justified by faith. Now that faith has come, we are no longer under the supervision of the law.
Galatians 3:23-25

God sent Jesus and the Holy Spirit “in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit” (Romans 8:4).

Now, by dying to what once bound us, we have been released from the law so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit, and not in the old way of the written code.
Romans 7:6

The law is only a shadow of the good things that are coming – not the realities themselves…The Holy Spirit also testifies to us about this…He says: "This is the covenant I will make with them after that time, says the Lord. I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will write them on their minds."
Hebrews 10:1 & 15

When Jesus is alive in your child’s heart, LOVE is alive in your child’s heart! 2 Corinthians 5:14 says, “For the love of Christ constrains us.” Romans 13:10 adds, “Love is the fulfillment of the law.” Parents, we MUST make the time to gain our children’s hearts! Our constant appeal to them must be, “My son, give me your heart and let your eyes observe and delight in my ways” (Proverbs 23:26, AMP).

Read Part 2 of this article.

Article by Karen Jahn, wife to Ed, mom to Sarah-Beth & Joshua, and editor for Dr. Thompson.